Attachment

by Hilary Prince

Self-Esteem Starts at Home

Self-esteem is how we see and value ourselves. For children and teens, it is deeply connected to their emotional health and can shape how they handle challenges throughout life. Day-to-day interactions with parents and other caring adults strongly influence a child’s self-esteem.

Parenting styles have a powerful effect on a child's and a teen's motivation and confidence. Encouraging words, patient guidance, and warm connections help children and teens build a strong belief in their own abilities. A secure bond with a parent or primary caregiver gives children and teens a deep sense of safety that supports how they see themselves.

Why Attachment Matters

From birth, a child’s survival and development depend on their caregiver. Over time, children’s brains and bodies become tuned to how their caregivers respond, shaping how they manage emotions and handle stress.

When children feel securely attached, they are more likely to:

• Trust others

• Feel safe and protected

• Turn to parents for comfort and support

• Show fewer emotional and behavioural difficulties

Psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth helped shape what we now call attachment theory. They showed that babies and young children don’t just need food and physical care; they also form deep emotional bonds with their caregivers and can grieve when separated from them. Even very young children can feel longing, anger, and distress after a loss or separation.

Their work showed that some children develop secure attachments, while others develop less secure patterns. Securely attached children usually have caregivers who respond promptly and consistently to their needs. These children tend to see their caregiver as a safe base, explore more confidently, and seek help when they need it.

Understanding attachment is about recognizing the central role parents play and how powerful even small changes in connection can be.

Everyday Moments That Build Strong Bonds

Children and teens with sensitive, responsive, and emotionally available parents are more likely to develop secure attachments. This doesn’t mean being perfect—it means being present often enough, repairing things when they go wrong, and showing children and teens that their feelings matter.

Modern parenting and child development experts stress that strong, healthy bonds matter throughout childhood and the teen years, not just in infancy. The relationship continues to grow and deepen in everyday moments, such as:

• Affection: hugs, snuggles, a hand on the shoulder

• Eye contact: warm, kind looks that say “I’m here with you.”

• Shared activities: playing, reading together, cooking, walking, or doing simple routines side by side

• Conversation: listening to their stories, asking about their day, being curious about their thoughts and feelings

• Quality time: even small, focused pockets of time with few distractions

These everyday connections strengthen a child’s sense of safety, belonging, and worth.

When children feel securely attached, they are often:

• More willing to cooperate with parents

• More open to guidance and limits

• Better able to calm themselves after upsets

• More confident in making friends and trying new things

• Less likely to get stuck in constant power struggles or clinginess

Separation, Reunion, and Reconnection

It is normal for children and even teens to feel upset when separating from a caregiver and to calm down once reunited. This looks different at different phases in their maturity. These everyday separations and reunions—morning goodbyes, after-school pick-ups, evening or bedtime routines—are key opportunities to strengthen attachment.

Over time, when children experience:

• Predictable goodbyes (“I’ll see you after…”)

• Warm reunions (a smile, a hug, genuine interest in their day)

• Gentle comfort when they are upset

…they learn that important adults come back, care about their feelings, and can be relied on.

Even when there are tough days or moments of disconnection—arguments, stress, rushed evenings—what matters most is the repair that comes afterward. A simple, “I’m sorry I snapped earlier; I was stressed, but you matter so much to me,” can be incredibly powerful.

The Lasting Power of a Secure Bond

The impact of early attachment can last a lifetime. Secure attachments support:

• Resilience in the face of difficulties

• Emotional stability and better coping skills

• Healthier relationships with friends, partners, and future children

Patterns of attachment are not fixed. Even if parents worry about what has happened in the past, there is always room for growth and repair. Children—and relationships—are remarkably adaptable when they experience consistent care and connection.

Every calm response, every moment of listening, and every effort to repair a conflict sends the message: you matter, you are safe, and you are not alone.

Hopeful Changes Start Now

Parents can make changes and strengthen relationships at any stage of childhood. You do not need to be perfect to make a big difference. What matters most is the ongoing effort to stay connected.

Small, consistent steps can include:

• Setting aside a few minutes a day for one-on-one time

• Putting down your phone to really listen when your child talks

• Offering comfort first, solutions later

• Checking back in after a disagreement

• Saying out loud: “I love you,” “You’re important to me,” “I’m glad you’re here.”

These simple practices send powerful messages of love and security. Over time, they help children build strong self-esteem, emotional resilience, and a deep inner sense of being worthy and loved.

Parents can make changes and repair relationships today. Even small, steady steps toward connection can create a more hopeful, loving future for their children—and for the whole family.

Recommended readings, books and articles:

Alguzo, N. A., & Jaradat, A. M. (2021). Investigating the effectiveness of two therapeutic   modalities in enhancing self‐esteem among female adolescents. International Journal of   Psychology, 56(6), 870–877. https://doi.org/10.1002/ijop.12773   

Ainsworth, M. S. (1989). Attachments beyond infancy. American Psychologist, 44(4),  709-716. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.44.4.709   

Ainsworth, M. S., & Bowlby, J. (1991). An ethological approach to personality development.  American Psychologist, 46(4), 333–341. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.46.4.333  

Neufeld, G., & Maté, G. (2014). Hold on to your kids: Why parents need to matter more than  peers. Ballantine Books, New York.  

Nurmi, et al. (2023). The Associations of childhood psychosocial factors with cognitive function in midlife—The Young Finns Study. Neuropsychology, 37(1), 64-76. https://doi.org/10.1037/neu0000877